TaNgLeD

Dance Inside

DAMN it’s been forever!!! I kind of got occupied, plus, I had a lot of people that I could trust my feelings with and so I could vent to them rather than confide on my computer :) Although, their both just as effective, I just feel like this method is more secure, and so many of my more…’sensitive’… thoughts will come up haha ^_^

So, finished my first quarter of college, and low and behold, straight A’s !!! Yayyy It’s been a while since I got straight A’s, actually. I usually always had one B or something (even in High School), but I guess I’m just happier with life and I could manage my time well enough to pull it off. I’m proud of myself because I started off the year well, and that gives me confidence for the future. Also, I think my parents are surprised lol but I’m also glad I was able to pull it off because they cut me some slack if I have good grades. And when I say that I mean they give me more money at Christmas, and let me do more ‘questionable’ things when I get home ^^;;; It’s a good feeling to have everything in order like that.

Just thinking!

So. Some perspective on this whole college dealy.

Classes:

To be honest, after the first two days I felt a little down after my classes. I was just my usual worrying self, wondering whether or not I could actually handle it. I’ve never considered my intelligence to be anything amazing….sure, to 10% of my class, but I’m probably the bottom of that 10%, which is fine, but I don’t feel like I have any particular talent in academics. I just push myself really hard when I need to, and I’ve gotten the result I wanted…But this time, sometimes pushing yourself really hard isn’t enough, and I wasn’t sure at first if I could do as well as I wanted to.

Then my special time of the month ended and I realized that I was blowing everything WAAAYYYY out of proportion! Dude, I can totally do this. I can handle it. Now if only I felt this way sooner so I wouldn’t have to go through the trouble of worrying my brains out.

Friends:

It kinda felt like the rollercoaster ride that classes was. In the beginning, I panicked. I didn’t know if I would find a ‘group’. If I was being really honest with myself, I would say that I’ve never had trouble making friends, it’s just never been an issue. But sometimes I don’t listen to my rational side and I assume the worst….a bad habit I must admit. I just had this image of myself not being able to talk to anybody, and being too shy to get close to those who struck me the most. But of course, as usual, my nervousness kicked in and I talked my mouth off. When I’m truly comfortable with someone I can sit with them and only talk and little and have the best time. I do tend to talk a lot when I’m excited too, but in the beginning it’s definitely nervousness;;;;

Again, the stupid once a month hormonal craziness prevented me from being rational, and again, I blew things waaayyy out of proportion. I’m having a wonderful time with the people I’ve met, and the best part is, I really do feel needed ^^  My friends really show that they care about me, and that they want me around. It’s not that my older friends didn’t show that, it’s just that I don’t think I had the confidence to accept it. Kinda like I was denying myself the happiness, as EMO as that sounds haha So it’s really great that I can feel this way. It’s a good sign :D

Guys…lmao:

Hm. Well. Sure it would be nice to have a boyfriend (not just anyone though, of course!) but it’s not as much a priority as I had made it out to be when classes had just started (DAMN THESE MONTHLY FEMALE HORMONE ESCAPADES!!) Now that I can think normally, and my body isn’t betraying me haha, I think the whole point of wanting a boyfriend, is to want to be special to someone. Just knowing that there’s someone who will hold your hand, or give you a hug, or think about you, just knowing that is a great support. And I just want a chance to feel that. I want someone I can be special to, and someone who can be special to me! ^_^ It’s just kind of heartbreaking to think that there aren’t too many people out there who would think of me that way.

So for now, all I can do, is treat the people I love best, with my best love! Maybe I’ll get through.

I <3 college ^^

So maybe I was being a little negative nancy…but how could I not be influenced by almost all of my friends claims that UCSD was in fact UC Socially Dead? It was an issue for me, to the point where I was actually worried about how I could ever be happy at a school like they had described. WELL YOU WERE WRONG GUYS!!! :D yeah!

I’m having an amazing time! Sonya is absolutely wonderful and I love her to bits and pieces ^__^ She makes life here 200 times better. I feel like she brings out the best in me, and for that I am truly grateful.  I can always whine to her and she patiently listens, she gets excited with me about anything, and we always seem to be on the same wavelength, whether we’re aware of it or not haha.

I’ll have to admit that I was a bit worried about the meeting new people issue too. I tend to have two typical reactions to large gatherings; social butterfly (as my sister likes to call it), and anti-social recluse. So, either I’ll be very outgoing and friendly, or I’ll feel overwhelmed and give up before I even start. Well, thank goodness my natural instincts took over, and I didn’t even have to try to find something to do, or people that I connected with. I’ve met so many wonderful people, and I say that from the bottom of my heart. I’ve only just started to get to know them, but I already appreciate their individuality and their company. There are so many interesting people here that I feel privileged to know.

What’s even more interesting to me is that I’m learning a lot about myself, not just other people. Some of it is helpful, and some of it is….not so great >_< I’m starting to realize that I have several bad social habits that I’d like to change (which I guess is good in a way, because at least I recognize them). For example, even though I rely on logic for most confrontations and challenges, I tend to let my selfishness get the better of me and I foolishly act on my feelings at the wrong times. However, there’s that little thought that tells me what the logical reaction is, or at least what the reaction of my ideal self would be. So what ends up happening? Well I go with my better half and say what I think I should say, to be nice, understanding, selfless, etc. But unfortunately, I’m not very good at hiding my emotions and so they shine through my words *siiighhhh* which pretty much ruins my effort at being a better person.

I find that I’m often very concerned with ‘being a good person’, ‘what a good person would do’. I like the fact that I at least try to be that ideal image of myself, but it’s frustrating how irrational emotions are. It’s not as simple as feeling the way you should feel. So, in short, I’m learning a lot about myself as well! And the more I know myself, the better off I’ll be, right?

Overall, I’m enjoying my freedom, and hoping that I can be as good to the wonderful people I’ve met, as they are to me.

From the truest part of my thoughts.

Jews EVERYWHERE <3

Just a real quick schpeal (how do you spell that):

Just got back from my cuz’s wedding! Turns out he’s training to be a rabbi, and why I didn’t know that I don’t know either. I didn’t even know he was jewish LOL. But it was a really nice wedding. Me, my dad, and Gauge were the only non-jewish people there…But whenever people asked me about that they always tried to comfort me when I told them that I wasn’t Jewish, like it was something to be sad about? I’m comfortable with my level of faith thanks.

The girl Phil married, Alyson, is very pretty and so kind. She put forth special effort to memorize all of Phil’s relative’s names and to get to know us. I was very impressed because I’ve always found it very difficult to remember people’s names ><

Anyway, all of the boys wore yamakas, or as they call them nowadays, kippahs. I always wondered how the bald people kept them on their heads…skin safe glue? My aunt was crazy as always…sadly, my family still believes to this day that her husband, Uncle Ali, (immigrated from Egypt) married her for a green card….It’s a very sensitive topic! It’s not all her fault though, she has a lot of mental problems, literally. Recently she developed breast cancer and they had to remove her right breast, which normally wouldn’t be THAT big of deal because they can give you reconstructive surgery all in the same go…but nooo. She’s so psycho and odd that she didn’t want the reconstructive part for whatever reason. Although she tends to annoy me to no end, she’s still my aunt and I do care about her, and feel sorry for her.

ANYWAYS IM LEAVING FOR SAN DIEGO IN 3 DAYS!!!!!!! Gotta figure out how much clothes NOT to bring haha